Saturday, 7 April 2012

I should definitely be the campaign manager.

May 3rd. Election day. Now considering I'm pretty politically unaware this may come as a surprise: I'm very anti-not-voting. My reasons are threefold:
  1. Not voting is an insult to your ancestors: I had to study Popular Movements at school (I'm talking Chartists and The Rebecca Riots here not Voguing) and I want those people to have achieved more than the only tedium I ever experienced in a History class. That was a DULL module.
  2. I don't want to hear anyone complain about how the country is run, or dare to offer an opinion on the government if they waste their chance to have a tiny say. Comments on how David Cameron's moon face makes people inexplicably angry are always allowed however. That's biology not politics.
  3. Voting is fun. It's one of the only really grown up things I do and I would like you all to relish the experience.
So really, what I'm trying to say is: I urge you to do a little research and go out, poll card in hand, and vote for this man:



What more, Londoners, could you possibly want in your mayor than Boris? If this was an election for King of the World, Mr Johnson would get my vote every time.
For a start, no one waves a flag better than Boris and with the Olympics creeping up on us this is a key skill to have.
Second, and talking of the Olympics, Boris won't even be there if he's not re-elected. And after all his efforts with the Boris-, sorry, Barclays-bikes... I'm not having it.
Aren't those bikes brilliant? Yes I'm biased. I am scared most other vehicles (especially white vans which seem to have some kind of vendetta against me). Cycling on and crossing busy roads is a daily struggle but, thanks to Boris at least I now have a brightly coloured bit of road to myself, as well as a whole peloton of florescent clad business people on blue bikes to drag me along.
Yes, I was a bit sad about the death of the 'free bus' but I understand now that it does make my night journey pleasanter when there aren't several hundred drunk people falling on me and vomiting on each others' shoes. Now, to get the bus you have to be sober enough to find your oyster card. Or sober up on a nice walk home. Really I think this is encouraging responsible drinking.
Truly truly, I'm not being sarcastic here. Boris is just the most likeable person in the world. Even after falling in a river and emerging like a drowning fish, he still manages to be massively cool in a bumbling foolish kind of way. And we're British. Secretly we are all a bit like that...but less obviously.
Besides, take a look at the other options. No one holds a candle to Boris for both charm and comic relief.
We CAN NOT have Ken. First, because he looks sneaky. Second, Ken is a ridiculous name that implies the man has no genitals. A leader cannot be so badly equipped.
So back Boris. In his own words:
"There are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters."
We need this kind of optimism...'nough said.

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