Shoes and handbags

There's something wrong with me that I'm almost ashamed to admit. I think it makes me not a real woman.
I don't like shoes or bags.
There I said it. Now tell me...am I some kind of anomaly?
To be honest it's not really that I hate shoes. They're fine. Some of them are very pretty. Mostly though, they are very expensive, painful and delicate. They are the kind of thing that you enjoy putting on then walking into a crowd like some kind of diva...and then, once the wow!factor is gone, you immediately wish you'd worn flip-flops. Frankly, if I didn't live in such a cold, rainy country where people like to smash glass bottles on the street I'd be massively in favour of being always barefoot.
But I am in shoe straits at the moment. We've just come out of rainy season where I had to wear wellies everyday because non of my other shoes were waterproof. They seemed to all develop holes simultaneously which was rather annoying. I blame my propensity to walk on tiptoes which eventually splits the sole. But I can't help it. I'm very short.
As much as I love the wellies I have to say, they aren't very glamorous. I've just spent a month looking like a farmer which is especially odd in central London. I was undoubtedly much cooler (and drier) than all the bankers and lawyers I pass on the way to work but the welly-yellow-raincoat look does seem a bit like overkill on paved streets with a functioning sewer system.
So I bought some 'sensible' shoes. No holes, not heavy, and when I put them on in the shop, very comfortable. My flatmate kindly described them as nun shoes (its OK- she has Jehovah's witness shoes). However, having worn them for the first time in the real world three days ago I can confirm that they are definitely not comfy sensible shoes. They have teeth. The only kind of nun who would wear these shoes would belong to some kind of Opus Dei order and use them to practise self-flagellation on the go.
Ouuuuuuccccchh! Why do we do this to ourselves ladies?
And the answer is because they look so damn good- once the blisters have gone and we have learnt to not walk like a baby gazelle.
And that's another thing. If you can't walk in your shoes: don't. No matter how good you look standing still, you look like an idiot once you start to move. You completely undermine the aim to be elegant.
And then there's bags. My main issue here is that I basically don't want to carry anything because I'm lazy. I don't need a Mulberry. I need a porter. Or for people to lend me money and their phones on the go. And women's clothes don't come with pockets that are good enough to actually put anything in. Annoying.
Besides, bags are often either so big that I would fall inside before being able to reach my keys at the bottom; or they are too small and all I can fit in there is a tiny golden whistle that I use to call the man behind me who is labouring under the excess weight of all my stuff.
What exactly is the point? And more importantly, what is the solution?
If it comes to you, let me know. I'm unable to leave the house at the moment due to fashion related injuries so I'll be waiting and brainstorming.