A first in my life

Today has been mainly uneventful. It started off with promise (I love a lie in) then plateaued into a day long nap. Less promising.
We have finished off well though, you'll all be delighted to hear. After eating pizza, and while eating my first Cream Egg of the year, I watched Argo. Well done Ben Affleck: that is a gooooood film. I was stressed watching it though, which I suppose is a good thing.
Anyway, the biggest event of the day was not Argo or Erin Brockovich (my lunchtime film) or even the Cream Egg. It was much bigger than that: a landmark day in my life.
Today I discovered I have a wisdom tooth, just beginning to rear its crown behind my upper left molar. I AM WISE NOW! That's how it works, right?
I feel I should take a photo of it, to send to Mum, to stick in my baby book. The entry would read: "Monday 25/02/2013: Jessica's first wisdom tooth appears." But that wouldn't be a great photo so I will refrain.
I thought this was supposed to hurt though. At the moment there is no difference except when I feel the shiny (I hope) new tooth with my tongue (which I obviously can't resist now I've discovered it). Pleased about that of course, I'll stick to this pain-free teething.
But I was thinking, now that I'm a "grown up" I guess I don't have many more of these landmarks to come. Not cool ones at any rate.
I mean, children have first steps, first words, first tooth, first full night of sleep, first day of school....blah blah blah. And me? Now I've ticked off first wisdom tooth am I just looking forward to my first grey hair? Ergh! It's just not going to happen.
Nonetheless, I am quietly pleased about the tooth, hence the blog. I will not think of it (somewhat morbidly) as the tooth that marks the beginning of the end(!), but as the tooth that marks the start of my prime.
Wow! I'm in my prime. It's all been practise until now. Just think of all the things I can do with my new teeth, my new wisdom! I could save the world, find a cure for the common cold (my eternal nemesis), learn to make marshmallows...
Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Also, maybe the marshmallows aren't the best idea. New teeth-sugar? Ummm...
So what will I do?
Ok, I'm wise now, but not that wise. I still have no clue what I'm doing, but it's early days. I've got three and seven-eights of tooth left to grow before I can answer such a question. So until then, you'll find me working on the common cold. Whisky is the remedy, right?

Unemployment and other stories

My Nanna has, for many years, wanted me to write a book. An autobiography maybe, about how difficult it is to be a "professional" dancer, whilst name dropping about all the rich and famous (and generally boring) who appear in my exciting life as a waitress.
I even picked a title: Unemployment and other stories. Hence the title of this blog. I bet you always wondered, didn't you?
I regret to inform you that these plans did not go ahead. Not least because unemployment is boring. Here's my day so far:

• Get up and eat breakfast in front of The Wright Stuff. Am unimpressed by Ruthie Henshall's make-up and any criticism of Kate Middleton but realise I kind of fancy the man panelist.
• Devise daily fitness routine to prevent me turning into a blob. I have unimpeachable intentions to do this everyday but already know...
• Get text from friend asking if I want to do hoola-hoop classes with her. Yes! Fitness routine is now dead to me.
• Shower and dress in the clothes of the unemployed: giant jumper (for the cold house) and leggings (for comfort while I'm napping).
• Paint my nails. One must look ones best.
• Send off some CV's. All hope is draining away since Matthew Wright informed me that this week 1700 people applied for 8 jobs at Costa. Ergh!
• Make pasta. Am already bored of pasta.
• Transfer all my saving into my current account. Well, all but 32p. I think that looks sadder than 0. Resolve to pay myself back and go on holiday ASAP.
• Fill out an application form.
• Get distracted by massively addictive game on iPhone: FreeFlow. I can't stop myself because it's a newly discovered talent. Really...I'm awesome.
• Finish my book, Engleby. Decide I'm not keen and should choose wisely at the library.
• Find myself drawn to more FreeFlow. Damn it.
• Think I should probably try to leave the house today. I am wearing massive socks though (which don't fit under shoes) and can't really be bothered to take them off.
• Damn...it's only 3.30. What else can I possibly do today?
• Begin blog thinking that it's at least work of sorts. Realise blog is quite dull today...but at least I'm giving you the true picture of unemployment.

I've been in this position before. Last time I was working for an agency that gave me too few hours. I developed a horrible sort of lethargy where I lay down a lot and snacked on chocolate digestives. I thank god for a good metabolism.
That time I was on housing benefit. I did not like this situation.
This time I have the ukulele which I'm now going to have a strum on. For the band you know. So far hypothetical band's repertoire includes:

• Ho Hey! -The Lumineers
• Hallelujah -Jeff Buckley
• Queen of the Savages -The Magnetic Fields
• I'm Yours -Jason Mraz
• We are Gonna be Friends -White Stripes
• Tiptoe Through the Tulips -Tiny Tim

I take requests and will master these songs and more by the time I'm in happy, full time/several part time employments.
Then of course I will pine for my golden days of leisure. We humans are funny like that.

 

The trouble with the laptop

It is becoming apparent that my computer is letting me down here. As I type this blog (on my shiny new iPhone) the laptop is frozen and has been, on and off, for almost an hour. This is not the ideal circumstance for doing job applications. It's not even letting me see the ads yet. Gumtree (my eternal nemesis) crashed it on the Reception/Switchboard page.
If I don't get a job I'm blaming Toshiba.
The main issue I believe is that I didn't have anti-virus software for a while so it's probably got a cold or something. Yes....I know all about technology.
I also did not ever buy Microsoft Office so I can't fill out application forms. Small hitch. And because its such a heap of crap I'm not buying expensive gifts for it. I'd rather throw it away and get a new one.
Can't do that though until I get a job so COME ON!!!!!!!!!! WORK!
iPhone is helping of course. There is a handy gumtree app for the tragically unemployed. Can't send CV via app though which seems a bit useless. Maybe I did something wrong?? Highly likely.
Alright. My Internet appears to be slowly waking up. I will try not to rush it or it might throw another wobbly.
Considering technology is distinctly not human, and is cold and logical; it is also annoyingly highly strung. No one else I know seems to have this much trouble with their computers. I suspect that could be because they don't pick them on the basis that they are cheap and silver. I do. I am a fool. Next time I will invest.
I like that word when shopping. Investment. It justifies everything.
Maybe the computer will work better on ASOS website. That would be more fun for me too.
No Jess, stop procrastinating and apply for some jobs. N.B. this blog doesn't count as procrastination, it's work. An investment in my future career as a celebrated writer.
Besides I need something to do while laptop is thinking about the web page it's loading, loading, loading.
And we have a page. Suppose I'd better do my bit now then. Where's my CV?

BAFTA night

Tonight I will be in my pyjamas with a hot chocolate in hand and the remains of a bag of MilkyWay Stars at some ridiculously early hour.
Because IT'S THE BAFTAS!!
One of my best friends works there every year and I'm so jealous. I want to go! Actually I want to be a guest and saunter down the red carpet in some glorious dress and make small talk with my future husband, Eddie Redmaine, causing him to fall immediately in love with me and....
But this year, I'm afraid, I will just watch from my sofa. I wonder if there is any ice cream? Someone...run out and buy ice cream would you?!
Apart from ogling the fashion and Eddie the best thing about film award ceremonies is the fact that there are so many good films out at this time of year. As a film ignoramus I will see the adverts on the sides of buses and think "ooo! I really want to see that!" only to have my friends look at me in shock and disgust a couple of years later when they discover I've done no such thing. The most recent: "You haven't seen In Bruges?!" "No, but it was a great trailer."
I have seen such classics as Shark-Boy and Lava-Girl though. And almost all the Disneys. And Citizen Kane but I wouldn't recommend you follow my example in that. It's rubbish.
Wait! I did see Les Miserables yesterday. That was good. And Life of Pi a week ago. Also good. So I'm doing well with my viewing and am quite the critic as you can see. They should put me on the judging panel. "Quite good...yeah, I liked it."
And then there are the speeches. Please thespians, keep them short and preferably funny. And if you can fall over on the way to the stage that would be great. I promise to do the same thing when I win a BAFTA next year.
I haven't decided which category I'm going for yet. What do you think would be the easiest?
"I'd like to thank my blog readers...and if I wasn't so bloody talented I'd be speechless. As it is I will do a classic Cartwheel of Thanks to the Academy for this beautiful award."
I will wear big pants.
 

The tragedy of the lost phones.

I don't have much luck with phones.
Two years ago I got a new blackberry, when they were good, remember? A month later it got swiped from my bag in a gay club while my friend disappeared into a sweaty crowd with some come-hither-eyed man.
So not only did I lose my phone, I also briefly lost my friend. And I lost an earring when some queen pushed past me in my frantic search. I liked those earring too and now they are gone. Kicked away by a size 11 stiletto.
But worse, the phone was gone after just a month of BBMing joy, and still worse I didn't have insurance.
So I had to fork out to replace it with a lesser model. Still Blackberry but it galls to downgrade. Especially when you have to wait 23 months to change it.
But finally the two year mark is here so yesterday I logged on to o2 and selected my brand new iphone. Confirm.
Only, when I pressed confirm, it did not take me to a 'where-do-you-want-this-phone-delivered?' page. It took me to a 'this-phone-will be-delivered-to-a-flat-you-haven't-lived-in-for-5-years-serves-you-right-for-continually-forgetting-to-update-your-address' page.
Well, shit.
So I got right on the live chat help thing, waited 15 minutes afraid to leave the computer even though I needed the toilet only to be told, once I'd explained the problem, to call 202.
Great thanks. Don't you know I hate using the phone?! That is why you invented live chat...for freaks like me who buy phones but are actually scared of speaking on them.
But I stayed strong and made the call.
"Now, I know this will make me sound stupid but here's what I've done..."
Woman from Leeds told me she couldn't do anything right now because the order hadn't been confirmed at their end but she took my actual address and said she's change it ASAP.
Great, so sorted.
In fact no. After not receiving any confirmation I phoned again.
"Sorry, I can't change the address. I can cancel the order though and you can re-order in 24 hours."
Thank you woman number 2, that's fine.
Sorted.
In fact, no. At about 4 I got an email telling me my order had been dispatched and would arrive in the morning.
What the...?!
Another phone call, this time to South Africa, who was very nice and tried very hard to be helpful. Unfortunately there wasn't a lot she could do seeing as my tragically fated iphone was by then in the hands of UKMail. I spent 20 minutes listening to o2's excellent selection of Hold Music while she spent as long on hold to UKMail.
At the end of the call she took the address I wanted it sent to, thanked me for my patience and told me it was the best call of her day. "Thanks for making me laugh and I'm really sorry it's not sorted yet."
Yeah?! You're welcome...I don't know why you are laughing though. Unless it's a me, and my plight. Although I am funny. I just am..you know..
So this morning a free iphone was due to arrive at some lucky stranger's door.
But I'm not having that. I logged on to UKMail and managed to re-schedule my delivery until Monday (the latest possible). I will come up with a plan in the meantime.
I lost one phone, damn it, I ain't losing another. Do you think UKMail has live chat helpline. I can't phone again...I just can't!

Buttons

I arrive home to a small scale tragedy. But don't you be expressing sympathy...I'd much rather you laugh at my girlish sentimentality.
I write this blog with one hand...completely against my resolution to learn to type properly. But it's ok because the cat is lying on my other hand and I don't want to disturb him in case he is sick on my new jumper. I've already had to clean up after him twice today.
When I left for India I had a large, healthy pet. I return to a bag of bones that I'm a little afraid to pick up.
Buttons, I know we always joked that you were fat but cat anorexia is going too far. What you need is a delicious rabbit. I'm sure it'll perk you right up. I know the doctor says rice, eggs and tablets but that diet would make me sick too. I know...I was just on the same one (just with some additional curry).
Anyway, I write this blog to celebrate the only one of my pets to live a good long life. Before Buttons my track record included the school hamster dying on my watch, within a couple of days of arriving at my house. Needless to say this catastrophy scarred me for life. There was also a frozen rabbit and a dog that my sister couldn't be in the same room as.
But to the point. This evening is goodbye. Dignitas for cats time. Gulp. So we are spending some quality time together. My hand is going numb.
We're weird about pets aren't we? How ridiculous to love an animal. But you know you all cried at Marley and Me, so don't judge me, yeah!!
So a small obituary (having never read an obituary I don't really know how these things are supposed to go):

Buttons lived 15 years and was a loving and loved member of the family, except at beginning when he scratched everyone that came near. He was intelligent though, so soon stopped once he realised where the Whiskers was coming from. An unparalleled huntsman, he regularly made his family gifts of rabbits, mice, frogs and even a bat once. Even though we were disgusted we were grateful.
Tremendously loyal, he and his late brother Marbles regularly took the blame when I ate all the grapes. Their quick thinking in jumping onto the table and sniffing at the empty fruit bowl when Mum came in was perfect timing. Thanks.
Full of sass, a treasured memory is of Nanna's dog banging its head on the patio doors trying to reach him. I swear he rolled his eyes and muttered "stupid dog." I know because I could speak Cat at the time.
Buttons will leave behind a family deeply saddened by his loss, though somewhat relieved they don't have to wash wee out of the carpet anymore.

How was that? I sense you wiping a tear from the corner of your eye. Now I must go...Buttons wants a cuddle. Do you think maybe he was just pining for me and now that I'm back the vet will tell us he'll be fine? I wouldn't be surprised to be honest...